Opinion | A Newsy Spin on Popular Songs and Poems

DeSantis Claus Is Runnin’ This Town

Oh! You better watch out!
You better not pry.
Hang on to your hats!
I’m tellin’ you why:
DeSantis Claus is runnin’ this town.

He’s made up a list.
You’re on it, it’s true.
He’s gonna find out who’s red and who’s blue;
DeSantis Claus is runnin’ this town.

He knows with whom you’re sleeping.
He knows if you are woke.
And by the way, don’t dare say gay.
Ask Disney — it’s no joke!

Oh! You better watch out!
Don’t dare to retort.
No matter the cause thou shalt not abort.
DeSantis Claus is runnin’ this town.

The schools are now told
What they can and can’t teach
It’s done in the name of “freedom of speech.”
DeSantis Claus is runnin’ this town.

Curriculum’s purged of all facts we abjure.
We may have whipped slaves
But our motives were pure.
DeSantis Claus is runnin’ this town.

The squire of Mar-a-Lago
Is foaming at the mouth.
The Clown from Queens still has the means
To restrain this Son of South.

Oh! You better watch out!
You’d better comply.
If you don’t like it — leave!
Go back North. Wave bye-bye!
DeSantis Claus is ruinin’ this town.

David Sadkin
Bradenton, Fla.

N.R.A. Favorite Things
(to the tune of “My Favorite Things”)

Pistol snub noses and shooting positions
Bright copper casings and carbines with pistons
Wood stocks of walnut with swivel stud slings
These are a few of our favorite things.

Pump action shotguns and toggle lock Lugers
The sound of a round as it seats in a Ruger
Wild geese that plummet right when they’ve been winged
These are a few of our favorite things.

When the law’s tight
When ammo’s low
When there’s gun control
We simply remember the Second Amendment
and then we can just reload.

Gun barrels that gleam with a stainless steel satin
Pistol grip diamonds and holsters of patent
Night vision scopes that turn everything green
These are a few of our favorite things.

Butt plates on shoulders, cheek pieces to nuzzle
Suppressors for flashes to thread on a muzzle
Tactical weapons with large magazines
These are a few of our favorite things.

With no streetlights
When police cease
When we’re feeling sad
We simply find peace in our safety release
and then we don’t feel so bad.

Martin Settle
Charlotte, N.C.

Send Back the Gowns
(to the tune of “Send In the Clowns”)

Isn’t he rich?
Isn’t it clear?
How Clarence Thomas takes bribes
Year after year.
Send back his gowns

Is he alone?
Six out of nine,
Writing opinions to crush
Your rights and mine.
Still, they wear gowns.
Send back their gowns

When will they stop closing the doors,
When will you find that the next one is yours?
Judging humanity’s plight without ethics or care.
Voting far right.
Nothing is fair.

Is this a farce?
Limit their terms.
Send what they’ve worn to the cleaners,
Wash out the germs.
Do not forgive Dobbs.
Cancel their jobs.
Send back the gowns.

Are there no rules?
Where is the probe?
Give We the People the tools,
Watch them disrobe.
And lock up their gowns.
They ought not wear gowns.
Send back the gowns.

Cliff Yudell
Asheville, N.C.

ChatGPT

I think that I shall never see
A wonder like ChatGPT.

Type “Write a sonnet”; out it churns
A work on par with Robert Burns.

Type “Write an ode,” and in two shakes,
Results to rival William Blake’s.

“Write comic verse,” and in a flash,
Wry humor à la Ogden Nash.

Poems were made by fools like me,
But now we use ChatGPT.

Jacob Stulberg
New York

FTX
(inspired by Poe’s “The Raven”)

Once upon a midnight dreary
As I pondered a new theory
How could I invest my money,
Money on the trading floor?

Charlie Munger said don’t do it
Even Buffett warned I’ll rue it
FTX, you really blew it!
Beware the con man at the door!

I cast aside all inhibition
Trusting in the crypto vision
But now am left with no provision
My monies you cannot restore.

I contemplate the bad decision
Writhing in my self-derision
The criminals should go to prison
I’ll be a victim nevermore!

Anna Burns
Carrollton, Va.

It’s De-Lusion, (It’s De-Lovely)

He lied to donors and Congress too
He made up the story that he’s a Jew

It’s de-lusion
It’s de-lirious
It’s de-mented

George Santos ran on a pack of lies
Now we found out it’s a thin disguise

It’s de-lusion
It’s de-lirious
It’s de-mented

His schools were false, the facts were tossed
No relative died in the Holocaust

It’s de-lusion
It’s de-lirious
It’s de-mented

He made up stuff so he could brag
But simply forgot that he did drag
Now I wish this were an anecdote
But he’s now in Congress and has a vote!

It’s de-lusion
It’s de-lirious
It’s de-mented
Its de-crepit
It’s de-plorable
It’s de-limit

Arthur H. Rosen
Ventnor, N.J.

Twitter
(Based on Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18)

Shall I compare thee to a Facebook post?
Thou art more chatty and more volatile.
Rough winds do shake thee coast to coast
and Musk as owner doth impress his style.
Sometime too hot, the eye of commerce shines,
and oft your gold complexion dimmed
And share price tumbles and declines
by chance or Elon’s wobbly course undimmed.
But thy true existence shall not fade
nor shall the image of your name at birth.
Nor shall that name by him mislaid
be lost to all who live on Earth
So long as men do breathe and Musk doth vex
So life goes on, tho’ Twitter morph to X.

Geoffrey Bye
Gilford, Conn.